Lion in the Doghouse
by Prince Darkcloud
Summary: Sometimes, husbands do the stupidest things, which often lead to a night on the couch. But what if a night on the couch is only the tip of the iceberg, and the worst has yet to come? Mpreg, typical!wife/mama!Zoro, typical!husband/papa!Shiki. MAJOR CRACK!


**Lion in the Doghouse**

Soft peals of children's laughter floated in through the window, whose green shutters had been thrown back to let in the warm summer sun and refreshing, sea breeze. It was a beautiful, calm day, the perfect kind of day for enjoying some time at home, outside with the family. Zoro had just finished putting some snacks together for himself, Shiki, and the kids and was pleased with how they turned out. He pushed the arched wooden door open and was greeted by a less than pleasant surprise.

Shiki was sitting on their backyard bench, and the kids were floating overhead. Zoro was absolutely livid when he saw this. He'd told Shiki time and time again _not_ to levitate the kids! There'd been one incident about two years or so ago where Shiki was levitating their daughter by her overalls and the buttons had come undone, dropping their eldest, who was only 18 months at the time about 10 feet before Zoro had intervened and caught her mid-plummet. Shiki had been in a shit ton of trouble then, but now he was juggling _two_ of Zoro's most precious things, aged 3½ and 2. This was unforgivable: Shiki had, once again, broken his promise.

Zoro stalked up behind his husband and noisily slammed the tray down on the table, ruining the sandwiches he'd put together. Shiki jumped, and Zoro swore he saw a waver in the levitation. The pregnant Marimo promised himself that if those kids dropped another inch there would be additional hell to pay. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Shiki stammered for a moment before bringing his two daughters down into his arms. "Zoro-baby, Angel, Sweetheart—" Zoro wasn't having any of those lovey names and impatiently crossed his arms across his chest, resting them gently atop his incredibly swollen belly. "It...I was just...Reina asked me to!" He hugged his eldest against his face. "Who was I to say no to our darling girl?" He smiled nervously. It may have been unfair to try and use his child to smother Zoro's anger, but it was certainly worth a shot. Zoro walked over and extracted the children from his husband's arms.

"I swear Shiki, I just can't deal with this right now, not when I'm only a couple days away from being due." Zoro placed his little girls down and led them in as he headed back inside, muttering to himself. "I don't know if I'll be able to handle three kids and him all at once. Che, I need a fuckin vacation after this baby is born...and then he can deal with a newborn by himself and see how _he_ likes it!"

Zoro continued his mutterings even after he slammed the door. Shiki was left outside on the bench, frozen stiff and not knowing what to do. So, like the whipped lion he was, he followed Zoro back inside, carrying the abandoned tray of food with his tail between his legs.

**o()o()o**

Shiki slowly opened the creaky door to the bedroom and peeked inside. There he was: his angelic, though incredibly temperamental, little demon. He closed the door and crept across the room with a huge, perverted grin on his face before slowly sliding in beside his lover. As he began to curl up against his darling, he received an incredibly powerful blow to his solar plexus.

"Hooooff...*cough cough* what was that for?" He growled at the back of Zoro's head.

Zoro rolled over enough, with incredible difficulty, so he could effectively glare at the intruder. "Out. You're on the couch tonight." And that was the end of that. No room left for argument.

Shiki took his pillow and the spare blanket that rested on the end of the bed and headed into the living room, quietly closing the bedroom door behind him. "Che, asshole, treating me this way, I should throw _him_ out on the couch some day." Shiki pictured Zoro with his swollen belly struggling to get comfortable on the couch, tossing and turning with a pained expression on his face as gentle tears seeped out through the lids. Of course, this was a completely unrealistic, but all the same, Shiki knew he would never be able to kick Zoro out of the bedroom. Literally, he would've been powerless to do anything. So, getting comfortable on the sofa, Shiki went to sleep.

**o()o()o**

Shiki woke up the next morning to see Zoro sitting at the table, his two precious angels sitting on either side. "Oh, good morning, my darling~" He greeted, trying to suck up a bit after last night, "It's so wonderful to wake up to the sight of your—"

"I want a divorce."

Shiki stared slack-jawed a moment before crying out an infuriated "WHAAAAT?"

"You heard me." Zoro stated, his voice completely calm. "I want a divorce. And I'm taking Reina and Mika with me." He slid the paper forwards. "All I need is for you to sign it."

"There's no way in hell I'm signing that!" He slapped his hand down on the offending parchment. "Can't we work this out?"

"Thank you for signing Shiki. We'll be out of the house in a couple minutes." Zoro was completely business-like all the way through. Even the girls seemed alarmingly unfazed as they pulled their little child-sized suitcases out from under the rug.

"W-What do you mean? I didn't sign—" Shiki pulled his hand away from the paper to see that his signature was in bold, black ink right on the appropriate line, "Oh, I seem to have signed it."

"Good. We've got our bags all packed, and we'll be leaving now." Zoro stood up from the table, and the first thing Shiki noticed was the lack of a baby bump.

"Oh!" He exclaimed, "you've had the baby already?"

"What are you talking about, Shiki? I had Leon ages ago. He's in high school now, don't you remember? I came back here with the girls so you could see them before we take them up to college.

"Who's we?" Shiki asked as he stroked a fluffy, grey beard.

"Me and my husband." A tall pale man with long, shining, blonde hair floated in through the car-sized hole in the wall that served as a window. "Besides, it's not like it matters. After you cheated on me with all those big-breasted bimbos, I'm amazed you'd ever even think of missing me." Shiki took a look around him and he realized that, yes, those lovely women were still there with him, their breasts as big as ever. Nice.

"Are you ready to go, my darling?" The blonde man said, his voice echoic yet sultry. Shiki felt his face drop. Was this man really going to take his Zoro away from him? The cruelty of it all!

"Yes, Mr. Prince. I'm ready when you are." Zoro walked over dramatically, his wedding dress trailing behind him. "Our fairy tale awaits us! Let us create many more children together. Come along Reina, Mika, Leon!" Three little terriers ran forward and sat down on Zoro's train before they all began to float off, going down the road and into the sunset.

"Goodbye, Shiki! Shiki...shiki...iki...iki...ki..."

**o()o()o**

"SHIKI!" Shiki startled awake and fell off of the couch only to look up and see Zoro's large belly hanging over him. He got up on his knees and placed his hands on either side of the bulging stomach.

"Leon! You're still in his belly! And I didn't miss Reina's and Mika's graduations...and thank god they aren't dogs...I hate dogs." He nuzzled Zoro's stomach, not even noticing the completely bewildered expression on Zoro's face.

"What the hell are you talking about?" He asked, sitting down on the couch and giving his aching body a rest. He'd already fed the girls and had taken Reina to her preschool.

Shiki pulled Zoro close so the Marimo was leaning back against his chest. "Oh it was horrible." He sniffled dramatically, "You were gonna divorce me and take the girls away and then they were all grown up and I didn't even know Leon had been born and then you left with some pretty blonde boy and...and..." A tear made its way down his face.

"Shiki." Zoro groaned. He was mostly used to Shiki's eccentricities, but sometimes the man got worked up over nothing in the least. "I'm not going anywhere, and definitely not with some blonde, pretty boy."

"I'm not a blonde pretty boy?" Shiki asked, sounding completely shocked, as if it had been news to him.

Zoro chose to ignore him. "And what's this about 'Leon' we haven't talked about a name, we don't even know its ge—" Zoro's eyes suddenly went wide, and he went very quiet, and very still. "Shiki, Shiki, hun, it's here. Baby's here. We gotta go. Now."

"Are you sure? Maybe its just gas? I mean you're not due for another 3-4 days, and—"

Zoro pulled Shiki in close, his eyes exuding a deadly aura. "I've carried TWO KIDS already, I think I DAMN WELL KNOW when another one of YOUR BRATS is about to KICK its way out of my STOMACH! So unless you SHUT your TRAP and take me to the FUCKING HOSPITAL, I'm gonna have the baby RIGHT HERE on your GOD. DAMNED. **COUCH.**"

**o()o()o**

After Shiki had dropped Zoro off at the hospital, he ran over to the school and picked up Reina. He wanted both his girls to be there for the birth of their new brother or sister. Zoro and Shiki had decided to withhold any information about their brood before they were born. They had no idea what to expect.

Shiki was holding both his little girls outside in the waiting room, bouncing them on his knees, his nerves doing all the bouncing. The little girls didn't seem to sense his worry, but the nurse behind the desk seemed to.

"I can watch them for a moment if you'd like to check on your husband's progress." She offered, standing up and walking over to the trio.

"That'd be great. I'd appreciate that." He smiled, looking over the body of the pretty young lady. He slapped himself internally. His husband was having his child and here he was ogling? The dream came back and he instantly put himself back in line. What a terrible husband he was.

"Can wee see daddy now, papa?" Reina asked, looking up at Shiki. "When can we see our new brother or sister?"

"Later, sweetheart." Shiki nuzzled his eldest, making her giggle. Mika reached up and tugged on his collar. "Can I name da baby? I wanna name him!"

"It's gonna be a girl, Mika."

"Nooo!"

"Girls, girls, be nice now." He placed them on the floor. "Go play with the nice nurse."

"Kay, papa!" They ran over to the nice young lady and went over to play with the dollhouse.

Shiki hurried into Zoro's room and was met by a stream of curses directed at him. Then again, he'd experienced this twice before. "Zoro, Zoro, baaaby-chaan, please!" He walked over and took one of Zoro's hands, grimacing at the bone-crushing grip. "Aiiiieeee! Zoro-baby, pussycat, please loosen your grip, you're gonna break my hand."

"Cut it with the fucking pet names, you son of a bitch. Once this baby's born I'm cutting your balls off so you'll never knock anything up ever again." Hhe doctor came in about 5 minutes worth of gruesome threats later.

Shiki held Zoro's hands and kissed away the tears that fell as the doctor cut open his lower abdomen, preparing for the cesarean birth of their 3rd child. Zoro didn't open his eyes, nor remove his teeth from Shiki's hand until he heard the screaming of his newborn. He cracked his eyes and released his teeth from Shiki's nearly bleeding hand, much to his husband's relief.

"Do you want to cut the cord?" The doctor asked Shiki, but Shiki paled and declined. 3 kids, but he'd never get used to the bloody part of birth. One snip later, and the baby was wrapped in a blanket of the appropriately colored blanket.

The doctor presented thee babe with a smile. "Congratulations. It's a boy!" Zoro reached up and took the tiny child into his arms.

The baby had big, blue eyes, and a tuft of pale blonde hair. "We finally have a boy..." Zoro smiled, leaning in to touch noses to the newborn. "My little prince...Leon..."

Shiki gaped in disbelief, the resemblance to last night's dream a little too much for the guy to handle. "No! I'm not letting you get taken away by a blonde prince! I won't allow it!" He flopped onto the bed and sobbed dramatically. "I never cheated on you with big-breasted bimbos! So why are you having Mr. Prince's babies! I can float too, you know! Am I not good enough for you? I'll even get you terriers, but please don't leave me! Bwaahhh! My Baby-chaaaan~"

Zoro sighed deeply and looked down at the pink little bundle in his arms. "Now you promise me, Leon." He said seriously to the wide-eyed infant, "Promise me that you'll be nothing like your father."

"...Damn you, Prince!"

Zoro rolled his eyes, "I'm never letting you sleep on the couch again."

**The End**

* * *

><p><strong><span>Author's Note<span>**

I...

I...

...I don't even know, man.

Even though it has nothing to do with the story I blame this: http:/nire-chan(dot)deviantart(dot)com/gallery/#/d36uf84

Zoro, I'm so sorry. *bows* GOMEN!

-PD


End file.
